Don't Stop Arguing. - When arguing can be good for a relationship.

When there are problems in a marriage or other intimate relationship, one of the biggest obstacles to resolving the problem is communication.   When it comes to communication in a relationship, the two biggest barriers to effective communication I often encounter are one of two extremes: either criticizing and yelling, or a lack of communication entirely.  Often couples alternate between these two extremes, and they are miserable for it.

Arguing can be uncomfortable and voicing your concerns and complaints to your significant other can seem challenging, if not impossible.  After all, most people do not like conflict and do their best to avoid it.  On the other extreme, some are so good at avoiding conflict, they never have a chance to have their thoughts and feelings heard.  This can lead to other problems in a relationship.   Conflict management and problem solving in a relationship can be difficult, but there are ways to minimize how unpleasant it can be and maximize your chances to resolving differences between you and your partner and enjoying a happy, healthy relationship.

When disagreements happen, I firmly believe each person should be given an opportunity to express their opinions and feelings.  How these are expressed can make all the difference between being heard resolving the conflict, and a never-ending conflict that leaves both individuals unhappy and dissatisfied with the relationship.

• If you want the other’s attention, look for a time without unwanted interruption, or request a time they are free to listen.  If you want their undivided attention, you want to make sure the time is good for them and that its free from distraction.
  
  

• Avoid harsh start ups.  Often arguments end the same way they started.
  

• Be respectful, and keep your voice at a reasonable tone.  You may be surprised when this is reciprocated.  A neat trick I learned some time ago is when someone else get’s louder, I become quieter, maybe even to a whisper.  They have no choice but to lower their voice in order to hear you.
  
  

• Avoid criticisms.  For example, starting a conversation with “Your so lazy!” or “You’re a jerk!’ is an excellent way to make the other person defensive and all but ensures the rest of what you have to say will fall on deaf ears.  
  
  

• If you have a complaint, make it known.  Thinking a problem will go away on its own is unrealistic at best and at worst, will only make you angrier or more unhappy down the road.  This usually results in impulsive and unintended outbursts or passive/aggressive behavior.  
  
  

• Avoid all or nothing statements.  “Why do you always….”  “You never…..”  “That’s impossible.”  “You ruined it.”  There are always exceptions to these.  All or nothing statements usually result in the other person feeling the need to defend their position, making them less like to listen to yours. 
  

• Use “I messages” and make a request for change.
  
  
• “I’m really uncomfortable when your raise your voice and yell at me.  I feel belittled and angry.  Can you please lower your voice when you have something you need to say?”
  
  
• “I get frustrated when you bring the car home with an empty tank of gas.  Can you make more of an effort to check this and fill it up before you park it in the garage?”  
  
  
• “I’m angry right now and need time to sort out my thoughts.  I know you believe it is important to talk right now but if I feel forced to talk I’m afraid I will only get angrier.  Can you wait a couple of hours?  I promise to come talk to you when I’m feeling more calm and that I won’t let the day end before talking with you.”  
  
  

• Avoid assigning blame and shift your focus.  You are unhappy with the behavior, not the person.  When making a complaint known, target what the person is doing, not the person themselves.   Instead of, “Stop being such a slob!” a better way could be, “When you don’t clean up your dishes after you use the kitchen, I get upset and frustrated. Can you please pick up after yourself when you are done?”
  
  

• Own and be responsible for your own feelings.  Recognize the other’s right to their own feelings.  Letting the other person know that you recognize their feelings is a good way to avoid or disarm defensive posturing, and to let the other person know you hear what they are saying.  
  
  

• Avoid the “but”.  For example, “I know you are angry but...”  This all but invalidates anything they are thinking or feeling.  If you want to acknowledge their feelings, by all means do so, and leave it at that.  
  
  

• Agree to disagree.  Respect the other’s right to their opinion and let it be known that you don’t see it the way they do.  Look for opportunities to compromise.  If you can agree with part of what the other is saying, say so.  
  
  

• Don’t put off expressing your thoughts and feelings for too long.  Wait for a time when you can be calm and composed and express your feelings.  
  
  

Conflict is something that happens in all relationships.  It is something that should be managed, not avoided. Yet when all else fails, there are times when a counselor experienced in couple’s counseling might be able to help remove barriers to more effective communication and help couples learn better ways to talk to each other. Both partners should be willing participants in this for this to be most effective.