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11/23/2014

It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time.  How to Get Past "Gotta Have It! " Impulse Spending

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OK, as I write this, we are exactly 1 week away from the infamous Black Friday cornucopia .  This day of course supposedly marks the start of the holiday shopping season.  Although I must admit I continue to grow increasingly skeptical of this magical juncture that occurs every year since some of my friends and acquaintances have already told me they started their shopping weeks or even months ago.  It also seems incredulous to me that there were Christmas displays up in retail stores long before even Halloween came around.  Holy Cow!  


Every year it seems there is an ever increasing push by retailers to maximize and extend that frenzied season of indulging in the binge-worthy guilty pleasures of  holiday shopping.  The old adage “less is more” is chucked out the window as we are constantly assaulted with shopping ads, coupons, TV and internet commercials, and the lure of “special sales” to entice us to buy things that, had we not seen them, we really wouldn’t have given much thought to buying them in the first place.  It is an impulsive behavior and it is one that retailers and corporations know well and have been exploiting for decades.  

Why Do People Make Impulsive Buys?
Impulsive spending is not unique to the holiday season.  It happens all the time.  Unfortunately, we seem to be more vulnerable to its pull around this time of year.  I have three general thoughts about why this is.  


One: OK, it is darn near impossible to escape the full-on barrage going on this time of year from retailers.  That alone makes it challenging to not scratch that itch and go out and get it because it would be fun, exciting, and just plain dope to have that latest wide screen TV!

Two:  During the holiday season we feel obligated to go out and buy gifts for others as well as ourselves.  Its been socialized into us for nearly a century now.  According to blackfriday.com, (why am I surprised there is a website),  the term “Black Friday” used to launch the holiday shopping season, was first used in the 1960’s.  It refers  to accounting records from corporations moving from “red” which refers to a company’s debt, to “black” which of course means profit.   Although if you go back further than this, the start of the Christmas shopping season can be traced all the way back to the first Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade in 1924 which heralded the unofficial start of the shopping season the next day, which of course was on a Friday.  So by not shopping and buying gifts during the season of shopping, do we somehow believe we are missing out on something?  Its just what you do this time of year, right?  Its normal.  This is what we have learned and have come to incorporate into our belief system.  

Three:  I believe that during this time of year, as the season is changing from warmer to colder, and as the days are getting shorter and we are exposed less and less to the sun, some people tend to fall into those “winter blah’s” that can plague us and leave us feeling low, slowed down, unmotivated, or maybe even depressed.  


Buying something new and exciting can give someone afflicted with the winter doldrums  a short-boost of adrenaline and excitement that temporarily lifts our spirits and creates enthusiasm and energy.   Unfortunately, it becomes a problem when we repeat this pattern, and a vicious cycle of pleasure seeking and reward sets in  This also results in the converse phenomenon of draining our pocket book of course.  I’ve known some individuals who spend themselves into a chasm of debt around this time of year and spend the majority of the new year climbing out of that trench (at a tidy interest rate too), only to repeat the cycle the same time next year.  
Beat The Urge
So how do you avoid the pitfalls and traps of impulsive spending that can have very real and harmful consequences?

  1. Be aware of your mood when you shop.  Heightened emotional states tend to make us more susceptible to making poor choices; in this case impulsive spending.  If you are upset, anxious, depressed, or mad, this may be an occasion to stay out of the stores until you feel more relaxed and calm.   Feeling euphoric and excited are also heightened emotional states that can make you more vulnerable to spending more than you intended.  So do an internal status check before heading out the door, or heading to www.spendmyselfcrazy.com or whatever website you prefer to do your online shopping.

  2. Set a realistic dollar amount that you want to spend for the holidays and stand pat.  It’s easy to find exception to your budgeting intentions when you are in the retail trenches.  Remember, the retailers know this and fully try to exploit any impulsive tendencies shoppers have.  The terms “doorbusters” and “Black Friday Bargains!” are very tantalizing.  Set a dollar amount and stick to it.  Better yet, if you have specific gifts in mind that are reasonable and within your budget, make the list and stick to it.  Don’t be lured into those drifting thoughts of, “Oh that would be great for him or her.” etc, etc.  Stick to your list.  Stick to your budget.   

  3. Share more of yourself and less of your credit card.  Maybe this year its time to establish a new family tradition of gift giving.   There is often an unspoken sense of pressure family members feel to show how much they love someone by attaching a price tag to that emotion.  Maybe this holiday season is the time to find different and less costly ways to show them how much you care.  In my opinion, nothing is more valuable in showing those closest to you how much they mean to you by sharing your time and company with the ones you love.  This means being fully attentive and in the moment with them.  In the age of technology, computers, TV’s and smartphones, personal time with the family is becoming a scarce commodity.  So if its not too late, talk with your family about a new tradition that has less emphasis on gift giving and more of giving of yourself.  They just might appreciate it more than you think.  

  4. You can’t buy happiness.   Being aware of the fact that those who may be more depressed or experiencing the “winter blah’s” this time of year is a risk factor to impulsive spending.  Many individuals that fall into this category attempt to buy themselves out of a depressed state and the adrenaline and excitement that comes with a shiny new “whatever it is “ can make one forget about their mood for a short time.  Yet over time, buyer’s remorse can set in and add to the negative feelings that the person was trying to alleviate to begin with.  

  5. Analyze the reason for a purchase.  In the end, if you really have to buy it or absolutely have to have it, run through a list of items in your head before making the deal.   Is there a practical and logical reason for the purchase?  Will it change yours or someone else’s life in some way?  Will it make you or someone else feel better?  What other choices do you have?  It is important that you are honest with yourself.  If you find yourself trying to sell yourself on the purchase, that may be a clue as to if you really need the item or not.  


Come back next week when I talk about a very well researched topic that deals with The Winter Doldrums.   




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11/14/2014

Routinelessness

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I think I just invented a word.  The word is called “routinelessness”.  I’m pretty sure if you look this up, you won’t find it in any modern dictionary.  I may petition Mr. Webster later to include this in the next version or maybe I’ll apply for a copyright to the term.  It’s a complex word.  Try saying it three times fast.  “ROUTINELESSNESS, ROUTINENESLESS. ROUTINENESSNES-LES.”  Ok stop before you hurt something.   


What does routinelessness mean anyway?  It’s not just complex to say, it has a complex meaning as well, at least to me anyway.  It means the absence of, and the desperate need for, organization and order in one’s life.  More importantly, it reminds me that there are many things that happen in our lives each and every day; commitments, demands of one’s time and energy, simultaneously being pulled in multiple directions, having to sacrifice this task to complete that task, etc.   It leaves little time for self-reflection, organizing one’s thoughts and priorities, and simply being able to comfortably feel you have a handle on things.  Its easy to get caught up in the multi-tasking flow of everyday life as we find ourselves almost constantly being bombarded and overstimulated in the modern age of information overload, commercialism, and technology.  Especially as we head into the holiday season, the need to think about “holiday shopping”, office functions, parties and celebrations, and all the other things that accompany this time of year, is enough to short-circuit our brains and make us feel like Yuletide zombies.   Many times in life and throughout the year we overcommit ourselves and then resent not having enough time for what is really important to us.  I don’t want to pick on the holidays as they can be times of great joy, fun, and celebration, and I certainly wish that for you as we move into them.  Yet this can be a time of the year where we are particularly more vulnerable to overloading our physical and mental faculties and losing ourselves in the hustle and bustle of life.    


I’ve often been caught in this current and let me tell you, its sometimes hard to get to the stable firm-footing of the shore.  Hitting the “PAUSE” button and taking a break from non-stop working on the “what-do-I-need-to-get-done” list in my head has always been the first step for me to clearing my head and realizing that my “needs” aren’t always about needs at all.  Some of those needs are actually “wants”.  And some of those “want’s” become less important once I can separate myself from the frenzied pace I sometimes find myself in when multi-tasking to meet the perceived demands of life becomes “multi-torture”.   When I can step away and make time for planning and organizing, it allows me to contemplate and meditate about what I really need to do.  It allows me to to prioritize and organize my daily routine and to-do list, and has a calming effect on my thoughts.  And I soon feel better as a result.   The trick is to make the time for planning, prioritizing, meditating, and organizing.  I tend to do this either toward the last part of the evening, or the first part of my morning.  I’m not perfect, there are times when it doesn’t always happen.  But when I am able to do this, I find my day just runs a bit more smoothly and I can feel more confident that I’m covering all the bases that need to be covered.  Planning and organizing often leads to feeling better about oneself, improved mental health, using better judgment, improved critical thinking, and implementing a healthier lifestyle.  The end result is a routine that is manageable and realistic.   


Routine doesn’t have to be boring.  In fact, routine is often what grounds us, helps us prepare for each day, and minimizes the unexpected surprises that sometimes throws us off track and increases our stress level.    By establishing a routine and planning a time and place for everything and everyone that is important to you, you ensure the best chance of meeting all of your obligations and getting everything accomplished that you set out to do.   If you find that you aren’t getting everything accomplished that you need to do, you may be overcommitting yourself.  Or it may simply be time to prioritize.  I’ve encountered many people who prioritize by the rule, “What’s in front of me right now is the priority.”  They let themselves get distracted from what their real priorities are by what is the “immediately-in-front-of-their-face-thing.”  If you find yourself in that kind of a situation, its time to hit the “PAUSE” button.  Then start making a list of what is important to you and carving out times in your day for those priorities.  If you find you have too much on your plate, it's time to pare down what is important to you to give yourself a break.  It would be great if we could have a day stretcher and be able to clone ourselves.  But until technology amazes us with these miraculous feats of achievement, I find that the more you try to cram into one day, you reach a point of diminishing returns as far as how productive you can really be.  Remember there is only one of you and only so many hours in the day.  You may just find that you accomplish more in a week if you aren’t exhausting yourself cramming each day with “stuff” to do.  Sometimes the old adage, “Less is More” makes a lot of sense.  


As final thought, I have sometimes found that when I start overcommitting myself, I lose sight of some of the most important priorities in my life, that is friends and family. My own indicators of when this starts to happen is when I become more stressed, when I feel down, when I feel more isolated, and feeling tired.  The ironic thing is that I’m doing this to myself by becoming distracted by superfluous things.  In short, I’m not organized, I’ve stepped outside of my routine, and I’m not making family and friends a priority.   I suspect you are a lot like me in that you gain strength, confidence, and support from those in your life that are closest to you.  When I’m feeling weak, unsupported, and doubting myself, I realize that I’ve not been making them the priority that they should be in my life and I work to remedy this problem right away.   In my own routine, spending time with these people has become my highest priority as they are the foundation on which everything else is built.  


In your routine, make sure to make time for family and friends and the leisure and fun that enrich these occasions with them.   It is the stuff with which we recharge our own batteries.  




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11/8/2014

Managing Stress - "I Can't Find My Happy Place!"   Part II

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Ok, contrary to popular belief, managing stressful situations isn’t necessarily about finding your happy place.  While it may work for some,  I’m sure many other individuals find it challenging to focus at all during a very intensely stressful situations, much less imagining some warm tropical beach with the ocean breeze and waves crashing on the shore.  Mental imagery is a good place to start to manage stress.  Here are a couple more ideas that might be able to help you de-stress.  

Awareness and making stress management a priority.  

One of the most important things you can do for stress management is simply becoming more aware of it and making it 1st on your “to do” list, or at least one of the top 5.  Stop letting other things get in the way.  Stress wears you down mentally, physically, and emotionally.  It makes us unhealthy and we tend to make unhealthy choices when under stress or duress.   “I just don’t have time.”, you say.  “I can’t focus on that right now.”  “There are other things that demand too much of my attention.”  

Our capacity for critical thinking, making good choices, emotional regulation, quality of relationships; these all tend to improve when we are managing stress effectively.   Let’s do a little mental exercise to illustrate how elusive our awareness of stress can be.  Do you remember the last time you took a long vacation?  Half way through, you came to the realization you have felt more relaxed than you have in a long time.  Do you remember saying to yourself at the end of your vacation, “Wow, I was just starting to unwind and now that I’m fully relaxed, I have to go back to work tomorrow!”?    For some, it takes a long time for the more immediate effects of stress to leave them.  For many, the absence of whatever is causing their stress is the only indicator in their conscious awareness that they were as uncomfortable as they were.  

There are many different ways to bring more awareness of what might be troubling you.  In my  experience creating quiet time, or placing yourself in  an environment with less stimulation for a period of time allows you to organize your thoughts and to think more clearly and relax.  Its also a very good way for you to take inventory of the things in your life that may be causing you more harm than good.   Meditation is touted by many as a way of being able to focus your concentration and generate better awareness of yourself.  For those of you who may be interested go to this Meditation link to learn more about it.  Make a commitment now to do something about how you manage stress.


Recognizing and modifying automatic thoughts

A great deal of stress can come from our own perceptions.  One of my favorite sayings is “Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% of how you react to it."   Our own perceptions greatly determine our behavior and how we react to situations.  In turn, our perceptions are influenced by how we talk to ourselves; the internal monologue that goes on in our head every day.  These are called automatic thoughts.   The problem with automatic thoughts is that we rarely are aware that they are happening.

Being able to recognize automatic thoughts is the first step to modifying how you manage and respond to them. For example, let’s say someone close to you makes a comment that triggers an emotion and a reaction. Possible automatic thoughts could be “She doesn’t care about me.” or “He’s trying to get on my last nerve!”  This may lead to feelings of anger, resentment, or sadness.  These feelings then shape how you may react to the comment:  a reciprocal nasty comment of your own, a passive-aggressive approach of ignoring the person and thereby punishing them for their moment of indiscretion, or blaming the person as a whole for being “stupid”, or rejecting them outright.  Another example would be getting a less desirable grade on a paper or an unfavorable review on a project at work.  You might say to yourself, “I’m a failure.”  With that simple statement, you tend to judge and label yourself based on one experience, the other successes you might had the rest of the day.    The key to identifying and modifying automatic thoughts is to examine possible alternatives to the thoughts.  “What evidence do I have to think this way?”  “What are other possibilities?”  (besides taking it personally )  “Is this a fact or an opinion?” ”  “Is there an alternative explanation” “If I believe the automatic thought, how does it affect me?”  And most importantly, “What would be the result if I modified my thinking?”  “What should I do about it?”  


Exploring alternative explanations to what we think when faced with a stressful situation is the first step to changing our perceptions, how our thoughts affect our feelings, and subsequently how it affects our behavior and mental health.   Keeping a daily journal of your thoughts and experiences is also a very good conscious-raising way of identifying and modifying harmful or distorted thinking.  


It has been my experience in working with others over many years in the mental health field that stress and how to manage it is more than what happens to us, it also involves our perceptions, how we organize our thoughts, and the internal mental discussion we have with ourselves that determines our mood for that moment or that day.  I hope you found this information helpful.   In the coming weeks, I will be discussing more mental exercises to help with stress management as well as tools one can use to think more clearly and feel and be more positive in general.  Thanks for reading.  Please feel free to share your thoughts on how you manage stress.




As the people at Walgreens always say to me now when I am checking out, “Be Well!”

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    Brent Bernard is a Master's Level Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor with over 25 years of experience in the state of Ohio.  

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