Surviving Divorce - A Guide for Parents and Families

One of the biggest challenges any family can face is divorce.  Divorce is one of the biggest life stressors for parents and children alike.  Yet when couples have tried everything, including individual and/or marriage counseling, and things are not getting better, sometimes a divorce or dissolution is the healthiest thing for the entire family.  


When you think about divorce, most people tend to think in terms of a legal proceeding.  In fact, the legal part of divorce is just one aspect of a process that can last far beyond any courtroom proceeding.   There are many parts of divorce: financial, social, legal, and parental, just to name a few.  If you are a parent in the process of divorce, or have recently divorced, there are many things a soon-to-be or recently single Mom or Dad can do to make this transition as least difficult as possible for you and your children.  

Try to tell the children together.

Nothing can be more confusing to a child than trying to understand why their parents don’t want to live together anymore.  It only adds to their confusion when each parent individually tries to explain their side of the story.  Differing reasons explained to a child as to why Mom and Dad are separating are not only confusing, they can be divisive and lead the child to feel like they need to choose sides, especially if one parent wants to blame the other.  Try to come together and have an agreement as to what you want to say to your child.   Then stick to that script and tell them together.


Let your child know what to expect.

Some parents don’t like to talk to their kids about divorce because its painful for them and talking about it is a reminder of that pain.  Furthermore, they believe they will spare their child pain if their child doesn’t have to deal with any divorce-related issues.  There is some truth to this in that children don’t need to hear all of the adult details of what went wrong, who did what, and your colorful or “off-color” opinion of the other parent.  Yet, children do need to know what this means to them and how this is going to affect their daily routine.  In the absence of any information about what they can expect, children may get anxious and nervous about what is going to happen to them.  This can lead to behavioral problems, school problems, sleep problems, or other emotional difficulties.  Children may make false assumptions about what might happen to them if they aren’t informed, and think of worst-case scenarios that might heighten their anxiety.  Instead, let them know of any changes in their routine when you work this out, including where they are going to live, where they will go to school, friends they can still see, extended family they will still be able to visit, and anything else that pertains to their regular routine.  Let them know they did not cause the divorce and that you are sorry that this decision may cause them pain.  Be as proactive and specific with information as you can to avoid being reactive to bigger problems later.  


Forgiveness

We all have a right to be angry for wrongs that are done to us.  Divorce is no exception.  Perhaps you have been on the receiving end of some very awful things that your soon-to-be or former spouse has said or done to you.  You have arrived at the solution to this, divorce.   You are doing something about it.  You are letting go of a dysfunctional or hurtful relationship and moving on with your new life.  Once you have processed those feelings of hurt and anger, its time to let go of those as well.  Forgiveness is not forgetting or condoning.  Merriam Webster defines forgiveness as simply, “to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong);  to stop blaming (someone)”  Forgiveness is more about what we do for ourselves than what we do for anyone that may have wronged us.  What is important to know for both parents who are going to have an ongoing relationship with their children and agree to be co-parents is that unresolved anger and resentment can make co-parenting very difficult if not impossible. To achieve what we want in life, to realize the success of our goals and our families, the only path is forward.  The inability to forgive means we are unable to let go of the past.   To forgive is to keep moving forward in being a successful person and parent or co-parent.


Opportunities for Children to Express Feelings

Providing opportunities for children to express their feelings about the divorce is very important in their success in managing the divorce process.  Its instinctive for parents to want to comfort their children and attempt to have a quick fix ready when a child is emotionally hurt or suffering.  While providing a comforting and nurturing environment for children is very important for children at this time, it is also important to allow your child to express and work through his/her emotions, giving them time to express their hurt, sadness, or anger, even if it might be directed at you.  By indulging your child in a favorite snack, activity, or amusement each time he/or she expresses unpleasant feelings about the divorce, those unexpressed and unresolved emotions may manifest themselves in unwanted behaviors down the road, including conduct problems, school difficulties, poor self-confidence and self-reliance, nightmares, and some regressive behaviors.  This may also create unrealistic expectations on the part of your child, seeking special gifts or treats on a regular basis, and behaving in negative ways in order to obtain them.  Instead parents can actively listen and validate their children’s feelings.  Help your child to work through their feelings and to develop a plan for themselves to resolve their own problems.  In doing so, the child becomes more empowered and learns a valuable lesson of self-reliance and self-confidence.  


Communication

While some divorcing couples look forward to the day they no longer have to talk with their former spouse, when children are present in the relationship, in most cases its not that simple.  

When both parents are a part of their childrens’ lives, they are going to need to communicate on a whole host of issues, including school, medical issues, extracurricular activities, developmental milestones, future family planning, college, etc.  What is important for parents to remember, if nothing else, is that it is best to keep communication limited to child related concerns.  It doesn’t serve your child’s best interest to bring up old divorce related issues after the finalization process.  It certainly doesn’t help to bring up non-child-related issues in front of your child.  Simply stated, to ensure the best possible outcome in having the support and assistance of each parent in the raising of children post-divorce, anything beyond child-related issues should be out of bounds.  If a parent wants to bring up old grudges and resentments that are beyond child-rearing needs, politely excuse yourself from the situation and suggest an arrangement to meet sometime in the future to address the business of co-parenting and raising your children.   Some additional tips to help with parental communication include:

• Avoid name-calling, shaming or blaming.  This never works to enlist someone’s cooperation.
  
  
• State your thoughts in terms that you own your opinion, not necessarily that it is a statement of fact.  
  
  
• Avoid putting the other person on the defensive by calling them out that they are wrong.  Sometimes being right or wrong is a statement of opinion and based on perception.  State your beliefs and sometimes agree to disagree.  Pick your battles.
  
  
• Avoid falling into old patterns of communication.  Treat the other parents as if they are a business partner and that the business is the successful rearing of your children.  
  
  
• Don’t assume.  Be specific about the who, when, where, what, and why’s in communicating child-related issues.  
  
  

Avoid Putting Children in the Middle of Parental Conflicts

Many parents have told me that one of their biggest fears or complaints is not knowing how much time they will get to spend with their children after the divorce.  Many parents fear losing their children.  This could mean losing custody or it could be a more basic fear of losing a relationship with their children; that the child prefers the other parent to them.  This can lead to acts of desperation for some parents that may have the paradoxical effect of further pushing their child away from them.  I’ve seen parents bad-mouthing or trash-talking the other parent directly in front of their children, with the intent of elevating themselves in their child’s eye by knocking the other parent down a few pegs.  This is almost always done out of fear or frustration, venting feelings in front of a convenient audience, the children.  Children have a right to love and respect both of their parents with all of the feelings they can muster.   Most of the time children have very different feelings toward their parents than two divorcing parents have toward each other.  A parent’s attempt to manipulate those feelings in a negative way by attacking the other parent may have the opposite effect and generate defensive and negative feelings from the child toward the attacking parent.  Instead of bridging and strengthening a relationship with your child, it may instead cause more damage and division.  Instead, both parents should be mutually supportive of each other in spending time with their children to ensure the best outcome in their children’s development.  On the whole, with the occasional exception, children tend to have the greatest success in being successful in divorce, and in life in general, when both parents are engaged and participating in their lives.  


Taking Care of Yourself

What is the single best resource your child has in being successful, post-divorce?  You of course!  Being a parent is not easy.  Being a single parent can be just as, if not more challenging.  Add to this the challenges of divorce, and the accompanying behavioral issues that children can exhibit during this time, parents can find themselves feeling very frustrated, aggravated, stressed, and vulnerable. Its kind of like this.  Do you remember those safety speeches flight attendants repeat over and over again every time you are ready to take off in an airplane?  They always have a special message to parents traveling with small children about oxygen masks.  They always tell them to resist that innate parental instinct to help your child first and instead tell you to put your mask on before you help your child with their mask.  In doing so, you are in a better capacity to be successful in giving your child the help he or she needs.     To be as good a parent as you can be, as good a person as you can be, you need to take care of yourself.  Take time to recharge your batteries, relax, exercise, meditate, engage in adult-time activities.  Avoid self-medicating with drugs or alcohol or other harmful behaviors.  The point is that if you want to be the best parent that you can be, give your body what it needs and be good to yourself.  Remember that there is only one “you” in whom your child can depend on.


For more information on things you can do to improve your own mental health, please see my blog “Ten Things You Can Do (right now) to Maintain Good Mental Health.”