Why we hold onto things that are not good for us and knowing when to let go.

The other day I was cleaning house.  Cleaning house is a necessity in our house.  If we don’t, things get cluttered, disorganized, dirty, and sometimes lead to bigger problems.     Now to be clear, this wasn't some of your regular everyday cleaning.  This was painstakingly going through boxes, drawers, getting up high in closets where items had gathered months and months of dust, and really looking through things that had been stuffed away. The “stuff” we stuffed is the stuff we really don’t know what to do kind of stuff so it gets put away to deal with on another day.  I bet you might have “stuff” like that too.   

I had been putting this off for awhile.  Sometimes the house gets so cluttered it becomes unbearable, at least to me, which finally spurs me into action. It reaches that tolerance threshold of “I’ve had enough and its time to de-clutter.”  One of the rooms I wanted to de-clutter was my son’s room.  And as I sat in the middle of his room, surrounded by all manner of debris while trying not to get frustrated and overwhelmed, I asked myself, “How do we let it get to this point?”  I find myself attempting to bargain with my son; to let go of that toy that he has had since he was 2.  It’s something he never pays any attention to until times such as these.   I know that change for him is hard, and letting go is not easy.  He attaches a sentimental value to things of little value because, well, they are his things, with his memories attached to them.  I realize that this similar to what we find in the rest of the house and the same can be said for his mother and me about our own “stuff” in our lives.  Sometimes letting go of things is easy.  Sometimes it is not.  Occasionally it seems quite impossible.    

I imagine many individuals have difficulty letting go of the clutter in their lives;  those things that we hold on to that either serve no useful purpose, become a hindrance, or occasionally harm us.   We get used to the clutter, accommodate it, or simply forget that its there.    As we sometimes know and experience,  the longer you let it go, the bigger the problem becomes, and the more effort it will take to make it right in the end. Sometimes it can be very hard to recognize, let alone just let go of what is cluttering our lives.   The clutter of people, places, and things can keep you from living a more full, meaningful, and happy life.   There are people and things in our lives that we hold on to for a long time.  Dare I say we sometimes cling to them, maybe for longer than we should.  Maybe you stay at a job too long.  Maybe you can’t stop eating unhealthy foods.  Maybe we fail in our commitments.  Perchance one finds him or herself in an unhealthy relationship that has slowly eroded his or her self confidence over time.  Possibly it is an alcohol or drug use problem that you spend more and more time engaged in and less effort on what you truly need.   Maybe you have problems with money management where you find yourself going deeper and deeper in debt due to uncontrolled spending.  It could also be that you are unhappy with the lack of direction in your life but are not sure how to change course or even fearful of which direction to go.  

Why we hold onto things that aren't good for us.  
Our reasons for not changing things that need to be changed can be multiple and varied and are either very much in our conscious awareness, or they get stuffed deep down into the dark corners of our psyche.  Some of the things we hold onto we believe to be healthy for us, although upon closer inspection we see that some are decidedly unhealthy.  The question comes to mind as to why we continue to hold on to those things that cause us harm, adding more weight to the overstuffed baggage we tote around in our day-to-day lives.  Sometimes the answer is obvious.  We hold onto things that aren't good for us because at one time they were helpful to us, gave us pleasure,  eased our pain, provided us comfort, or served as a distraction from something else that created suffering in our lives.  Yet what worked for us yesterday, last month, or last year, doesn't mean that it works for us now.  How do we make sense of what we need in our lives, and what to let go?    Long ago British psychologist Havelock Ellis once said,  “All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”

Change can be difficult.  
As a therapist, I work daily with those who wish to change something about themselves or about something in their lives.  They come to me because up until this point, they have not had much success.  What I've come to learn as a therapist is that change usually has the greatest chance of happening once the person seeking change sees more of a benefit to changing, and more harm by not changing.  If they are in my office, they usually have committed to this idea or are pretty close.   Yet until they see the advantage of change, it usually doesn't happen; and the more I try to push for change, the more defensive they become in their position not to change.   Going back to the example of my son, the more I tried to persuade and push for him to accept that change is inevitable and he “needs” to give in, the more he tended to resist.   As a professional counselor, I know that this is also how it must be for my clients I see in therapy. If I sense that there is more resistance to a change they are seeking, I may be pushing them too hard toward that change, and they are pushing back just as hard as if to say, “I’m not ready yet!”  


Keeping track of our “stuff”
It is important to take inventory of what we have in our lives.  Its makes us feel good when we take stock in our accomplishments, achievements, healthy and meaningful relationships, and overall positive things in our lives.  Yet of equal importance is to recognize those things that might be holding us back from living a more meaningful life and keeps us from our true potential.  This can be enlightening, rewarding, and a growth experience for some.  But on occasion, it can be painful and difficult to accept.  

While something or someone may have been a mainstay in our lives for a long time, how do you know when you just need to let go in order for you to keep moving forward?  

It is no longer healthy.
If you find more harm than good happening in your life, it is time for a change.  But it doesn't have to reach this point.  A close look at anything causing you discomfort should lead to questions as to why it is a part of your life in the first place.  One can always justify something harmful in their lives as a means to a greater goal.  Putting up with an abusive supervisor may be justification to keep a well-paying job. Excessive exercise to the point of severe pain may be justification for overeating or binge eating.  Yet there are always alternatives.  Don’t settle for less for yourself.  Demand better.  It may be time to look in a different direction.

It brings you more pain than comfort.
Why would anyone want pain in their lives?  Sometimes we believe we deserve it.  Other times we just get used to it.  If you find that most of your time is spent in discomfort and suffering, ask yourself, “Don’t I deserve better?”  If the answer is “Yes”, then maybe it is time to make a change.  If the answer is “No”, try to go back to a time when you last felt differently and expected more for yourself.  Explore the reasons for how and why it is different now than before, when comfort was something you sought rather than evaded.   Working hard at just feeling “normal” should be a strong indicator that change is needed, particularly if it is related to drugs or alcohol.  You are a person of worth and integrity and deserving of more.  

It doesn’t provide you with what you need.  
We need food.  We don’t need excessive amounts that lead to health problems.  We need money to buy things and survive.  We don’t need all of the products and services that stream across our media every day that create desires and wants leading to crippling amounts of debt, financial ruin, and bankruptcy.  We need social contact, friendships, and healthy family relationships to feel good about ourselves.  We don’t need relationships that are abusive, hurtful, or neglectful to avoid feeling alone.  We need to belong.  We shouldn't need to sacrifice the core of who we are in order to be accepted by others.  We enjoy celebrations.  We don’t need excessive amounts of drugs or alcohol that end up causing us more pain and negative consequences in our lives.  Make a list of what you need on a daily basis to survive and to live a full and meaningful life.  What do you have already that is on that list?  What is missing?  More importantly, what excesses in your life prevent you from being happy? Sometimes less is more.

You feel less happy when the object or person is around compared to when absent.
Knowing yourself and being in touch with your own feelings is very important in order to recognize when something or someone in your life is a factor in your unhappiness.   At the end of the day, sometimes its time to just get up and leave;  remove yourself from the situation.   Our bodies have a built in fight/flight/freeze reflex that tells us when there is a problem in our surrounding environment that threatens us physically, emotionally, or psychologically. Our response is either to take action against the threat (fight, hopefully in a figurative sense and not letting yourself get into a knock-down drag-out brawl), get yourself out of the situation (flight), or becoming immobilized with indecision and apprehension (freeze).   It’s usually easy to identify when there is a physical threat present but less so when there is a threat to our emotional or mental integrity.   If you find yourself feeling anxious, apprehensive, tense, keyed up, preoccupied with recurring and ruminating thoughts, not sleeping well, self-medicating with drugs and alcohol to avoid painful feelings about something or someone, and you have tried everything you can think of to manage the situation,  this is a good indicator that its time for a change or time to remove yourself from something that will likely only bring further hurt and pain.

You have less time doing what you enjoy and spend most of your time tied to obligations.
What do you enjoy doing the most?  With whom do you enjoy spending your time?  From what do you derive the most meaning and purpose?  Take a look at how much of your day is devoted to those people, things, and activities that bring you the most comfort, pleasure, and meaning in your life.   Then look at how much of your day is devoted to those things.  Many times we find ourselves devoting large amounts of our time and energy to things that are less important to ourselves and more important to someone or something else.  If that is the case, maybe its time to get on a different path that is more in line with what you want out of life rather than what someone else wants.  Like I said earlier, sometimes Less is More.

You find yourself living in the past and are not focused on the present and future.
In order to improve your chances of achieving your goals, one necessarily is focused on the present, what is happening around her/himself, and has a plan for tomorrow.  Dwelling in the past, what we have lost, wrongs that have been done to us, feeling guilt and shame for our own misdeeds, greatly hinders us from moving forward with our goals and keeping up with the rest of the world.  Its hard to let go of the past because letting go of the past implies change, and change can be scary and difficult.     Allow yourself the opportunity to grieve, and then move forward.  As a phoenix rises from the ashes, so too will you rise from your own pain and be stronger as you move forward.  Shed the cloak of the victim.  Find your inner strength and take charge of your own destiny.  Others may be responsible for acts that have caused us to stumble.  Yet we are in charge of our own growth and successes in life.  

You find a lack of forgiveness in yourself.
Forgiveness is a hard concept for some.   Grudges and resentments are not easily shed.  Sometimes we believe we deserve hate and self-pity.  The anger masks the sadness and hurt that we would otherwise face. Claudia Black once said, “With forgiveness, we no longer build an identity around something that happened to us in the past.  Forgiveness is remembering…..than letting go.”  Forgiveness is not forgetting or condoning.  Forgiveness is more about what we do for ourselves than what we do for anyone that may have wronged us, including ourselves.   To achieve what we want in life, to realize the success of our goals, the only path is forward.  The inability to forgive means we are unable to let go of the past.   Our goals lie in front of us, not behind us.   To forgive is to keep moving forward.


What is keeping you from moving forward?